When we talk of the Main ‘London Derby’, it hardly reflects on the status of Barnet and Orient, or QPR or Brentford, it is a much famed passion ‘THE Arsenal’ have when they meet ‘TotenSCUM HotSperms’, not because they are the 2 biggest clubs of the Capital City, how can Spurs be labeled anything other than a joke, in fact other than Arsenal [and recently Chelski] the ONLY other London club to get near the top of the table was QPR Under Frances, when Big Lez Ferdinand was good, Spurs even finished behind them for much of the 80’s / 90’s!!

Barney, a Die-Hard Gooner from London,  takes time out to demystify ‘The North London Derby‘ for us. ‘An 11Gunners Exclusive‘. Here we go:

The History runs deep and I will not bore you with all of it – but it goes something like this..

It is often said that Spurs were the FIRST of the 2 to be based in North London, that they were there BEFORE US >> check this out – IT IS A FAT NAUGHTY LIE AND I HAVE PROOF..

“TotenSCUM” were in fact based in .. Wait for it … “MIDDLESEX’!! And they were a MIDDLESEX BASED CLUB until 1950’swhen in fact the geographical / demographic map changed, was re-drawn. And what happened was SPURS B.E.C.A.M.E – Note: BECAME a club situated in North London as some of Middlesex was re-shaped see. Hence the “7 Sisters Area” was previously MIDDLESEX. They are really only called OUR RIVALS as they are the ‘nearest’ to us, but they pose no threat, no competition, they have never won the league since 1961, how is that a threat? LOL!

“A.R.S.E.N.A.L” were of course, founded in 1886,  by a group of workers at the Woolwich armaments factory in south London [hence spurs were NOT our rivals as such then] , and the club was first known as “Dial Square”. The name was soon changed to “Royal Arsenal”, though when the club turned professional in 1891 the name changed again to “Woolwich Arsenal”. The prefix was later dropped and the club became “Arsenal Football Club”!!

For 27 Years, ‘THE’ Arsenal (as they were nicknamed, and as you will know, has stuck,) played on various pitches in / around Plumstead in South London,   often at the MANOR GROUND.

IMPORTANT FACT FOR ALL GOONERS: It was on November 19^th 1887 when the 2 first met!

ROYAL ARSENAL met Spurs; it was in truth designed just to be a sort of “Friendly” / Kick-a-Round” but lol now looking at that, a friendly, Us n Them, lol!!

It was called off after only 15 minutes due to bad light, ok I’ll be honest also Spurs were winning 1 – 0 of course this would NOT have continued and they only ended 1 – 0 up as it finished early, we were just warming up, toying with them..

THE FIRST “REAL” ‘POINTS AT STAKE’ affair between the two was Dec 4^th 1909 and obviously it finished – ‘Sing-a-Long Now, 1 – 0 to the ARSENAL 1- 0’.. HAHAHAHAA..

1913 was probably the most noted year in our history, THE ONLY TIME E.V.E.R we were in fact sent down! Relegated! But it signaled the start of what we know as the REAL ‘Modern’ if you will, History of the best club ever!

Henry Norris invested in Woolwich Arsenal and bought land next to Gillespi Road – Tube Station, and EVEN IN THEM DAYS Spurs Shit Themselves and made a big fuss, complaining, trying to stop a PROPER CLUB moving into the area. And of course being pathetic losers that they are – they even lost that appeal LOL, AND GOD’S GIFT TO FOOTBALL WAS BLESSED AND BORN, ARSENAL FOOTBALL CLUB  = 

Just 4 miles from the Scum ‘Up the Road’ and THE TRUE rivalry was born!!

Now as forementioned, Spurs were literally classified as a MIDDLESEX CLUB till 1950’s hence ‘WE – WERE – THERE – FIRST’ in terms of recognized, official geographical history! NONSENSE n LIES that they were a “North London Club” before us – it does not add up!!

They immediately began to learn, rehearse, practice what we call coping skills, learning / acceptance that they are second best!! Inventing many jokes to throw at Arsenal, a sort of way of deflecting the TRUTH!  >> D E N I A L!

Without this so-called ‘Humour’, the club would have a break-down, collapse and be taking into care and sectioned under ‘FA Rulings and the Mental Health Act’!!

BANTA between the 2 is literally – Legendary!!

1887 and 1909 apart, in terms of US being North London just 4 miles from ‘Middlesex’ / Totenham Area, the first game between the 2 was August 22^nd 1914, at White Hate Pain, following our relegation the yr before we were in the 2^nd tier [the championship so to speak] and they were in the Top Tier [damn cheek]. Anyway Gooners GOOD NEWS as we won, wait for it.. 1 – 5!!

A so called LOWER TEAM and we beat them by four!! Scum, they were crap and they knew it!! Again you see, reference the BANTA , their coping skills PMPL

The rest truly is, as they say, History!

OFF the field of play, and on it, we developed and built a good solid team and financially managed well. Our FAN BASE grew, and frankly Spurs didn’t lol..

“THE REAL JOKE IN THIS PART OF THE STORY, IS THAT THEY L.A.U.G.H.E.D AT US FOR BEING IN A LOWER TEAR, WE WENT UP, AND FOREVER AND EVER AMEN – STAYED UP”..

Here’s the funny – THEY SPENT NINETEEN [YES, 19] YEARS O.U.T.S.I.D.E the top flight since we beat them by four that day up till now. 19 years in the lesser league while we remained the C.R.E.A.M and they laughed at us for dropping for only one year!! Now of course, he who laughs last, laughs the loudest, and for the longest, and as we all know, T.H.F.C is THE joke!!

Have you ever looked at someone who for some reason or other, has got themselves totally in a quick sand situation, however much they try – they just fall down again, and in a cruel way, you giggle, find it funny.. This is Spurs in it.. ‘A bunch of complete Wankers who can’t win a Raffle’..

Just consider this for a moment, before even the end of the FIRST World War – we have remained a club ALWAYS on top, even, even Man U dropped once [ in 1974 – 5,] Spurs dropped 19 times, [1976-77 the last time]and  Everton in fact [not Liverpool] are second to us, and only us, in that sense, they have remained a top club many decades, Liverpool only got ‘Big’ when PAISLEY [R.I.P] took ‘em up in the late 50’s / early 60’s..

ARSENAL ARE THE BEST, REALLY, AND THIS ACTS AS PROOF..

ACCCEPT NO ALTERNATIVE, NONSENSE THEORY, WE RULE.. THE .. ARSENAL!!

It was not ONLY in the National League we beat them, Ooh No Goners, the first EVER meeting of us – them in the Football Association Cup was in 1949, [obviously] we won by three goals to Nil!! Note: The habit already learned by us to keep the clean sheets!!

In more recent years of course the leagues have been re-named, all seater stadia’s, various rule changes n so on, the game developed so literally, the world cup meant just that, WORLD cup.. But even now, Arsenal are still so far ahead of them, it’s laughable!!

I will not just pen this as I am ‘A Gooner’ it’s the 100% truth and fact, when Spurs begin the league campaign, they truly truly D.R.E.A.M of finishing 4^th.. FOURTH..

In Wenger, it is FACT that E.V.E.R.Y year our aim is to WIN everything.. So it not always happens but we aspire to these heights. We may at some years, finish fourth, but only in trying to finish higher, Spurs finish 5^th, 6^th in trying to finish 4^th do you see.

While we battle with the big boys like Milan, Barcelona, Munich, even dare I say with Man U, the Scum set out to finish ahead of Everton, Man City, Villa, what does this say – honestly it’s a joke how good we are. They struggle to find a manager to stay in the job, even copying us in going foreign, “IN WENGER WE HAD THE F.I.R.S.T Foreign Coach / Manager to W.I.N the Premiership” or even as it once was pre 1992 the old first division.. We set records; we make “Firsts” and others attempt t follow.. We lead – the Scum Follow, this is FACT!!

FACT: Since the birth of the Premiership in 1992. They have Won Only TWO League Cups, again like the thing with them finished 6^th wishing to be 4^th, we are different planet, we treat this cup as a TRAINING EXERCISE for players not yet good enough for our proper first team, and maybe play 3 fringe squad players to act as captains if you will, they do there upmost to WIN this cup every year, and in 17 – 18 years win it twice, PATHETIC ISN’T IT??

Hmmm Lets think so in these 1992 -2009 era we have won

PREMIER CHAMPS IN WENGERS FIRST FULL SEASON after we finished 3^rd in his first [not full] year. Here’s the record..

1993 we won League and FA Cup under Graham.

1993/94 – Win the European Cup Winners’ Cup

1977 – 1998FA CUP [Newcastle @ ‘Old’ Wembley] –+TITLE = D.O.U.B.L.E

[Overmars @ Old Trafford cutting’ in n scoring!! [Among top top key, critical, “Title deciding” goals of the Prem Era, YouTube this up, a brill goal]

2001 – 2002 A.N.O.T.H.E.R  D.O.U.B.L.E [Chelsea Defeated In Cardiff FA CUP Final]

FA CUP WINNERS [V Saints] in 2003 Again At Cardiff.

2003 – 4 INVINCIBLES .. Sound’s Great, Does it Not!!

FA CUP IN 1995 v Man U [Vieira Last Kick Of A Ball = WINNING PENALTY]

** 2005 – 6 We got where many others only DREAM… 17 – y e s s.e.v.e.n.t.e.e.n minutes from beating the Spanish Side Barca, and the rest (we all know but at least it’s top top experience for us as a club, again Spurs applying these coping skills to reduce the pain / tears they were in, laughing at us for not winning, how awful it must be for them to watch us be THAT good..

GRAHAM = 2 TROPHIES [not including the 2 titles he won us, I mean SINCE birth of Prem]

FOUR FA CUPS, THREE TITLES under Mr. Wenger

Hmmm .. Where’s my calculator .. hmm

N I N E trophies in all… what they have up the road, TWO Pissy Cups !!!!!

“They are Shit – They know it – They can rot in Hell..”

Up The Gooners..

Also Read:

The Best Anti-Tottenham Jokes: Part 1!!

The Best Anti-Tottenham Jokes: Part 2!!

The Best Anti-Tottenham Jokes: Part 3!!

The Best Anti-Tottenham Jokes: Part 4!!

“Not-So-Hot-Spurs”: A Pictorial To Confirm The Same!!